How are you? Fine. Good. You?
No seriously, “How are you?” Are you fine? Are you good? It’s a tough one to answer if we were honest. But let’s be honest, we smile, we nod, we say ‘fine’ or find some cheeky come back like “better than most” which diverts the attention away from sincerity. It is a superficial retort to a superficial question. We smile when we are not happy. Correction, Americans smile in particular when unhappy. There is a European term for it- The American Smile. It is seen as fake, untrustworthy and shallow. There are theories as to why this is, like diversity vs. homogenous nations. And while I don’t disagree, I offer an additional theory.
Americans, according to a certain declaration, have the “right” to pursue happiness. Happiness is in the language of American inception. Couple that with the psychological and financial wizardry of Edward Bernays’ “Happiness Machines” in America you get US. To be American IS to be “happy”. Not only are negative emotions unwanted, they are (subconsciously perhaps) un-patriotic.
If happiness is an American aim and institution, then why are we so self-evidently sad, angry and afraid?
Most “normally” functioning brains contain the amygdala. Two almond shaped clusters at the top of the hippocampus regulating (among other things) emotions. Primal emotions like fear, anger, sadness and joy are exciting and necessary defense mechanisms for survival.
Fear- Yea, it’s an uncomfortable feeling, and I am grateful for it. Lil Red Ridding Hood stories are indelible for a reason. We should be afraid. We should be very, afraid. Our brains are wired for fear. Think of yourself walking around alone in the worst parts of any town at 3 in the morning. For some that would be east Casa Bonita Capital, along Colfax Avenue in Denver, CO. Yikes! The big bad wolf of digs! Anyway… Fear allows us the opportunity to possibly pause and protect. Fables and myths use symbols to help us understand fear in a kid-friendly sort of approach because fear is powerful. And because fear is such, if not the most powerful emotion, it is easily manipulated by institutions. “Better to see you with my dear.” Under the pretense of an archetypal grandmother, the wolf becomes a salesman, a politician, a lawyer, a teacher, the news. The wolf is used as an archetype of fear. Better to understand the nature of personal fear- as in asking- “what is it that I am really, really afraid of”? Fear of failure? Success? Who defines failure and success? The big bad wolf used lies and disguises to manipulate lil ole’ Red. Fear/the wolf preys on the vulnerable and cautionary tales are intended help see through fallacious lies. But what is the only thing we have to fear? Fear doesn’t ‘prey’ on anything. Fear is your/my biological, albeit discomforting, buddy.
Anger- Ah, now for some this may be more comfortable. Anger can often feel like power and thus possibly deceiving because it can also often seem out of control. Raise your hand if you have said something out of anger you regret. Or do you, or know someone who seemingly “looks” happy and yet you detect passive-aggressive language behind the grin. At the root of anger is fear. Very few circumstances unleash anger without an undercurrent of fear. I think of a mama bear. And as a mama bear myself I am still surprised at my own levels of anger when I think of protecting my kids. I can be quite scary. Really, and good thing because I am old and physically weak, it comes in handy. But I want to be careful and use it sparingly. Again, the applicable appropriateness might be to assume my anger could be rooted in fear, and how old and deep is the root? Example: I am angry that education is being controlled by big business (see school post). I am angry like being in a bad relationship with my job. Angry at feeling trapped socially and economically, which may be more fear. And I do fear repercussions. But my anger has been long and steady, and my fear of the future of education surpasses immediate fears. Anger can be a useful tool, but deeper understanding is more humane for me, I think.
Sadness- Hello darkness my old friend. The adult cartoon Big Mouth portrays a big fat lazy purple kitty as an expression of sadness and depression. I like this image. She sounds purringly inviting and her slow voice, a southern draw comforting. There is a lot to be sad about. Why not curl up and retreat? Because sadness’ counter emotion is joy. I know both because I know both. Yes? Loss, life, news, sure. I wonder though if we are more sad because we don’t really know why we are sad. I have had loss. It hurts. It passes. What I sense in school is chronic depression for many with no real deep knowledge as to why. I have had “lazy” students to which I attribute to sadness. If the work we are doing isn’t perceived as really good for us, why would we be motivated? Do the work, do the homework so you can get into college. With debt. With no real direction or discussion of values. That’s depressing. What are we really doing in school? I don’t know the statistics of anti-depression and anti-anxiety prescriptions from K-12. I saw it every day at the high school level. Depression is vastly different from sadness, however. Like all emotions sadness can pass, unless we are not able to understand perhaps a more profound cause. On the one hand sadness sucks, but I also think of all the writers and poets who used this powerful emotion to express beautiful works of art that evoke passion and deep emotions. Ultimately, I think humans have sadness to cultivate compassion and empathy to help each other survive.
Joy/Happiness. Bliss, cheery, glad, chipper… Your choice of words. It feels good. When is the last time you felt real joy? The joy of shopping? Sure. That’s external and temporary, but it does feels good. For a while. When are there other times of joy? Music, friends, reading, dancing, skiing, photography, learning and the lot. Is there a difference from internal joy and external? Joy is what gets us out of bed in the morning. Happiness can lead to self-actualization which is the golden standard for philosophers and psychologists alike. And yet the “happiness” I see on TV- every single commercial that shows happy families in perfect harmony eating peanut butter, protected by insurance, happy endings with an “if you buy” is mostly psychologically manufactured. I do like to shop but I realize I have a deeper, different feeling when it is intrinsic moments of joy. Time as of late, has given me more moments of happiness and joy because I have the freedom to do what I want. And what I want is self-actualization and serenity. I want to be at peace with my emotions. Trust me, I am not writing this because do this necessarily. Just observing my own process. I mean really, within a day of the Pandemic in March 2020, I watched ADs promising safety and security if you buy a car, life-insurance, bleach, etc. It took minutes to switch ADs ensuring our ‘happiness’ in ‘these tough times’. I observed it as a driving force. I also observed some very angry Americans who believes this right to happiness is being repressed. Un-ironically the pursuit of happiness gets violent/ unhappy? So What really makes us happy?
“Happiness is an accident of nature, a beautiful and flawless aberration.” Pat Conroy