The Shaking Woman

A Book someone recommended, or was it a sculpture?  Anyway, I saw the title and thought-

When I was young I had a nervous tic.  I would “fiddle with my fingers”. “Quit fiddling with your fingers!” I was told. Hand slapped, and repri-handed by authority figures from the church to the classroom to the home.  Looking back if anyone had asked, I was playing the piano.  I liked Beethoven’s Fur Elise, and I didn’t play the piano but I watched someone play it on a variety show.  My thumb moved up and down my appendages along with the song.  The tips were the high notes and the base of each finger were the low notes, low to high- big to little- up and down to that beautiful melody.  “Put your hands up!” Up on a table, up on a desk, up on a pew where we can see your non moving hands.  So it shifted to my feet. I just couldn’t keep still and I just had to fake it. 

But it lingered.

I mention this because A, I think of school as it relates, and that is just sad. B, I’m working on it, I’ll figure it out.  and C, it is really hard for me to write some of my shaky ideas.  I get so excited that I quiver and shake shiver and quake. and rhyme like Dr. Sues. Another defense mechanism? Another helping of neuroses anyone? Yes please! I would like neuron-roses.  Roses made of neurons?  Thats where my head goes.  I see the word roses in neuroses. My head just sees that- not the letters, but the image.  I like my head, it us fun and provided a safer place, ‘more funner’ than the shaky hostile world.  

In my world I play the piano, I am a dancer, a singer, and a host of many personalities.  But don’t call me a writer.  Metastasized Fantasia from my hands to my feet to my brain.  Brain damage for sure, from concussions. Knocked around as it were from invisible hands.  Symptoms include problems with concentration, memory, balance and coordination.Nausea, vomiting, confusion. I don’t get headaches but I have heartaches. Check, check and check!  “Seeing stars” has a different meaning to me. .My wind monders (mind wonders) into watching the stars at night… (yea I kept that in). On the darker side of the moon, shaky woman gets wicked. Shaky and shady thoughts lingeres into driving, parenting, teaching, and has led to many awkward dinner dialogues.  You move on from topic to topic and when it comes back to me- I’m picturing what you said three conversions ago.  shaky wandering mind. The wandering philosopher… wait, Is it wander or wonder, I wonder. Question mark or period? Still, I’ll take my diagnosis thank you very much.  We’re just kinda hanging out here enjoying the shaky roller coaster as best as we can. Shaky but not stirred. 

There was a shaky woman 

Who wrote a shaky poem 

Her spirit was dimmed 

But she is not not broken

Greed cannot drown her

No, you can’t bring her down

I’ll rhyme when I want

I’m not your clown